March, 2002

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BIG PICTURE QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
(Kudos to Jeff, aka: Andréé, aka: Ten-core, aka: "Are you Mark's
brother? How come he never smiles when he plays?")

"I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me.
And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."
- Johnny Frank Garrett, executed by lethal injection

BIG PICTURE QUOTE OF THE MONTH #2:
(Hey, it's my newsletter. I can do what I want)

"You gotta look at the big picture, you gotta grab life
by the lips and YANK as hard as you can."
- "Weird Al" Yankovic from the movie UHF (thanks Emily in San Joséé)

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BIG-PICTURE-WEBSITES-THAT-WE-HAVE-NOTHING -TO- DO-WITH-WE-JUST-LIKE-'EM
RECOMMENDATIONS OF THE MONTH:

from Edward Berwick, 2 great sites for you to check out while wallowing away the hours in your cubical and stickin it to da man-

The first one's intro is really cool. I spent hours staring at this thing. That's why last week's cartoons were so stoopid (I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Well, not that last week's cartoons were stoopid- I'm kidding about WHY they were stoopid)-

http://www.lebonze.co.uk/stuff/move.htm

The second is just something that makes you think "Hmm..I wonder if they have Dunkin Donuts shops in those places that are so dark? And if not, why do those places exist?"-

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/image/0011/earthlights_dmsp_big.jpg

Next site is from Norman Peterson and I'm posting this cuz I hate pennies and wonder why THEY exist as well. Unless you can use 'em to buy a Dunkin Donuts medium regular coffee, two sugars in those dark places from the last website-

http://www.kokogiak.com/megapenny/

Thanks Ed and Norman.

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And NOW (drum roll please, Mama! Drum roll!!), in the tradition of all those zillions of dopey awards shows we're subjected to week after week for which their only purpose is for the entertainment industry to kiss its own butt- The very first and hopefully very last "BIG PICTURE AWARDS"!

Thank you. Sit down and let's begin-

.....

The "CARTOONIST MOST DESPERATE TO MAKE HIS VERY IRREGULAR E-NEWSLETTER SOMEWHAT
INTERESTING SO HE MADE IT INTO AN AWARDS NEWSLETTER" Award-

And the nominees are:
>Patrick "Mutts" McDonald
>Lennie "Desperate" Peterson
>Bil "Little Billy must be like, fifty years old by now" Keane

And the winner is.......

Lennie Peterson. Those other 2 doods are in like a zillion papers and probably
couldn't be bothered.

.....

The "BAND WHO FINISHED RECORDING THEIR FANTASTIC NEW C.D. IN JANUARY AND,
SERIOUSLY IT'S LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER HEARD BEFORE, PERFECT IN MANY MANY WAYS
AND WILL SERIOUSLY ROCK YOUR WORLD, BUT IS TAKING ONE HELL OF A LONG LONG TIME
GETTING IT PACKAGED AND MANUFACTURED SO IT CAN BE SOLD TO THE PUBLIC" Award-

And the nominees:
>Kiss
>Creed
>Clutch Grabwell

Three guesses.

.....

The "IDIOT WHO KEEPS ANNOUNCING IN HIS COMIC STRIP AND E-NEWSLETTERS THAT HIS
BAND WILL BE TOURING CALIFORNIA AS SOON AS THE C.D. IS AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC
BUT THAT DOESN'T'T SEEM TO BE HAPPENING (BUT HOPEFULLY WILL SOON, YEAH, RIGHT)
SO HE ENDS UP LOOKING LIKE EVEN MORE OF AN ASS THAN USUAL" Award-

See first award. And Bil Keane doesn't have a band. I don't think. The Mutts
dood used to. He told me. But maybe he lied, who knows. Seems like a nice enough
guy, though.

.....

The "BAND WEBSITE THAT FEATURES THE MOST AWESOME COMIC STRIP EVER ON ITS
HOMEPAGE THIS WEEK" Award-

The nominees are:
>http://www.grabwell.com
>http://www.backstreetboys.com
>http://www.creed.com

You want Clutch Grabwell updates, Chat room and Board info about the band? We
got your updates and info right here-
http://www.grabwell.com

.....

The "WEBSITE WHICH IS HOLDING A 'BEST OF' POLL IN WHICH 'CLUTCH GRABWELL' IS
NOMINATED UNDER 'BEST POP BAND' -GOD KNOWS WHY 'CUZ I ALWAYS THINK OF US AS A
ROCK BAND THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE HORNS AND ALWAYS THINK OF POP BANDS AS BANDS
LIKE, I DUNNO, "THE HANSONS" OR SOMETHING BUT THIS POLL IS BEING DONE BY (KIND
OF) THE SAME PUBLICATION (WHEN IT WAS A NEWSPAPER ) AND PEOPLE THAT WE WON THE
"BEST BAND" AWARD FROM A COUPLE OF YEARS IN A ROW SO THEY DECIDED TO TAKE US OFF
THE BALLOT LAST YEAR BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO "'GIVE OTHER BANDS A CHANCE" (I
MEAN, SHEESH, THAT'S LIKE TAKING MERYL STREEP OFF THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS JUST SO
THAT BIG PHONY AND SUPPOSED 'AMERICA'S SWEETHEART' CHICK, JULIA ROBERTS, CAN
WIN OR SOMETHING) BUT WE WON ANYWAY AND NOW WE'RE COMPLETELY FULL OF OURSELVES
CUZ HALF THE TIME WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE DOPEY 'BEST OF' POLLS ARE GOING ON SO
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO STUFF THE BALLOTS LIKE A LOT OF THE BANDS IN THE
DOPEY 'BEST OF' POLLS DO BUT WE WIN ANYWAY" Award-

And the nominees are-
http://www.thevatican.com
http://www.wormtown.org
http://www.afghanistan.com

And the winner, from Woosta, Maskachewits-
http://www.wormtown.org
go there for the poll if you wanna.

(Fun fact- I used to live in Worcester. Became too long of a drive to Clutch
rehearsals every week. Plus, now that I live near the ocean I ain't ever leaving
the ocean. Other than that, besides the ghost in my apartment (for real), it was
nice there. 'Cept for when I found that guy, a complete stranger who just got
out of prison, sitting in my living room one day when I got home. True story.
And it wasn't a ghost that time. )

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The "ON-LINE COMIC STRIPS WEBSITE THAT FEATURES THE MOST AWESOME COMIC STRIP
EVER AND ALL LAST WEEK EVEN FEATURED, ON ITS HOMEPAGE, A BIG-ASS GRAPHIC OF
GINGER, QUEEN OF ALL FELINES, PLAYING THE GUITAR AND IF YOU MISSED IT, TOUGH
PATOOTIES TO YOU. YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE" Award

And the nominee is:
>http://www.ucomics.com

Sorry- I refuse to name any other nominees. Won't do it, doods. Hey, I know who
butters my bread. Is that a saying? Anyway, you know what I mean. So, yeah, go
there. Excellent site for all your comics needs 'n wants. They have the best
ones.

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The "GREATEST MAN IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD THAT SENDS LENNIE AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF
DELICIOUS MILLSTONE COFFEE AND LENNIE STILL WANTS TO SEND HIM A LITTLE GIFT,
NEVER MIND ERECT A STATUE OUTSIDE HIS COTTAGE IN HONOR OF HIM BUT HASN'T HAD THE
CHANCE YET TO DO EITHER" Award-

And the nominees are:
>Mahatma Gandhi
>Ken Blake
>Abraham Lincoln

Thanks for the coffee, Ken.

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The "BIG PICTURE COMIC STRIP THEMES THAT GOT THE MOST HATE MAIL" Award
The nominees are-

>The "Anti-big giant dopey S.U.V." comic strips last summer.
> The "Anti-professional sports and the idiot fans who actually wear the names
of other men on the backs of their hockey jerseys but call guys like me who
don't get into it 'gay'" comic strips last week.
>The "It really bothers me that so many kids are overweight" comic strip last
month.
>The "That band Creed is a total rip off of Pearl Jam and ripping off a band or
several bands is one thing but not giving props to the Artists who influence you
as an Artist and not admitting that you're heavily influenced by that Artist is
just plain WRONG" comic strip last Saturday.

4 way tie.

.....

The "CARTOONIST WHO JUST CAN'T SEEM TO CATCH UP ON HIS E-MAIL THESE DAYS AND HE
APOLOGIZES TO ALL THAT HAVE WRITTEN TO HIM IN THE LAST 3 MONTHS AND HE PROMISES
TO WRITE BACK BUT HE'S TOO BUSY DEALING WITH THE HATE MAIL IN REFERENCE TO THE
CATEGORIES OF THAT LAST AWARD AND HE DOESN'T'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER HE'LL BE
ABLE TO PERSONALLY ANSWER ALL OF HIS HIS E-MAIL LIKE HE'S BEEN DOING FOR THE
LAST 2 YEARS BUT HE'LL TRY TO KEEP UP AS LONG AS HE CAN" Award-

And the nominees are-
>Patrick "Mutts" McDonald
>Lennie "Desperate" Peterson
>Bil "Little Billy must be like, fifty years old by now" Keane
And the winner is.......

Lennie Peterson. Those other 2 doods are in like a zillion papers and probably
couldn't be bothered.

.....

The "MAGAZINES AND NEWSPAPERS THAT KEEP HIRING LENNIE TO DO FREELANCE WORK FOR
THEM AND KEEP GINGER ON THE FANCY FEAST AND LENNIE ROLLING IN MONEY, SHARPIES,
TROMBONE SLIDE CREAM, AND RAZORS TO SHAVE HIS MELON (hey, you think it's EASY
rolling in money, sharpies, slide cream and razors? Try it. Go ahead. We'll
wait)" Award-

And the nominees are-
>Natural Health Magazine (Thanks Ashley)
>The Boston Phoenix (Thanks, Kristen, Jenna, Clif, and Kelly)
>The San Francisco Bay Guardian (Thanks Melissa and Victor)
>The Homesteader Newspapers (Thanks, Allen)

4 way tie

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The "CAT WHO IS GETTING OLD AND FAT AND REALLY SHOULD AT LEAST LIKE, WALK AROUND
OR SOMETHING MAYBE TWO OR THREE MINUTES A DAY BEFORE SHE'S THE SIZE OF TEXAS"
Award.

And the nominees are-
>Heathcliffe
>Ginger
>Garfield

Garfield WHO?

.....

The "REAL-LIFE GIRLFRIEND WHO'S STARTING TO GET MORE FAN MAIL THAN THE ACTUAL
GUY WHO CREATED THE ACTUAL COMIC STRIP SHE ACTUALLY APPEARS IN AND THE ACTUAL
SAID CREATOR IS ACTUALLY STARTING TO GET JUST A LITTLE ANNOYED AT THE WHOLE DARN
THING, DARN IT, WHAT ABOUT ME, HUH? WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?" Award

>Kerri

Sorry- I refuse to name any other nominees. Won't do it, doods. Hey, I know who
butters my bread. Is that a saying? Well it is now. Cuz I said it twice. And
that's the rule. The "Say it twice and it's a saying" rule. So there.

.....

The "CARTOONIST WHO'S SICK OF PROOF READING THIS FOR TYPOS SO IF THERE ARE SOME
PLEASE JUST DEAL WITH IT AND DON'T WRITE TO ME ABOUT THE TYPOS" Award

And the nominees are-
>Me
>Me
>ME

And the winner is Me.

.....

The "CARTOONIST WHO IS FORGETTING SOMETHING THAT HE WANTED TO SAY IN HIS DOPEY
E-NEWSLETTER BUT CAN'T REMEMBER AND IT WASN'T ABOUT HEIDI KLUM THIS TIME SO I
GUESS I'LL JUST SAY BUH-BYE FOR NOW AND WE'LL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON THE C.D., WE
PROMISE, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU SHOW TO MY WORK AND ME,
AND THANKS TO THOSE ESPECIALLY WHO REALIZE IT'S JUST A DOPEY COMIC STRIP AND
YOU'RE GONNA BE OFFENDED EVENTUALLY WHETHER IT'S SPORTS, CREED, BEING FAT OR YOU
OWN AN S.U.V. OR YOU'RE A FAT, S.U.V. OWNING CREED FAN/SPORTS FAN BUT IT'S JUST
A STOOPID COMIC STRIP AND I'M JUST GOOFIN' AROUND SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
JUST TRY TO HAVE FUN. OR NOT" Award.
And the nominees are-

>Patrick "Mutts" McDonald
>Lennie "Desperate" Peterson
>Bil "Little Billy must be like, fifty years old by now" Keane
And the winner is.......

Lennie Peterson. Those other 2 doods are in like a zillion papers and probably
couldn't be bothered.

Thank you all. Peace.
L. and G.